stitches

Hmmm... just one day after determining to blog everyday and I miss.

In my defense... Friday afternoon proved to be rather trying. After wading through some emotional chaos from aforementioned audacious people, my conversation with Nate is interrupted my bloodcurdling screams from our seven year old. All we can seem to get from her is 'Jillian!!!" Jillian!! Blood! she's bleeding!!!" Nate clears the space from the office to the kitchen and down the stairs in what seems like 4 swift moves, while I am STUCK to the floor. Sure enough...there was LOTS of blood, SQUIRTING from Jillian's forehead. I don't know why I am able to stay so calm in these types of situations, especially since I typically do not work well under pressure. But for some reason when it comes to my kids and crazy accidents, the strongest sense of reason and control takes over. Which in this case was good, cause poor Nate was pretty worked up.

Turns out she had some how managed to fall and hit her head on something, we believe it was a table, and cut it open, requiring 3 stitches.

Oh my Jillian.

My freaking out usually comes after all the drama of the event. And this time was no exception.. though not really a freak out so much as just weary, and a little angry, tears.

I used to fall apart so easily. I remember when we first learned something was going on with Jillian. I was about 15 weeks along when we were first made aware of her kidney problem. I think back to lying in bed that night and bursting into tears. I cried that deep hiccuping sob that makes my chest hurt and my lips swell up. I cried again like this after our first visit to the maternal-fetal specialist.

Something changed in me the day she was born, though. Something clicked when I looked in her eyes that first time. She and I had an understanding. WE are in this together. I recognized the need for me to be strong for her..not because she was weak, anyone who knows Jilly knows that's not true. But because she was strong. And she needed me to believe in her. And to agree that she and I would beat the hell out of any and every obstacle that stood in her way, from nursing to staff infections.

I can't crack. At least not in the midst of the chaos.

It's a position I would, and do, willingly take for all of my kids.

So that's what I was doing Saturday. Resting up from my crazy Friday night. AND throwing a baby shower.

That's my excuse.

There's always tomorrow... another chance to get it right. ;)

Writing therapy

It's been far too long since I've posted a blog.

BUT I am determined to write SOMETHING every day. Writing is like therapy for me and Lord knows I need lots of therapy.

So... in the news today:

In case you didn't know. I'm homeschooling Emma. Yes, I'm crazy. And No, I probably will NOT do it again next year. I have my reasons. But at least I can say I gave it a shot, right?

My husband is now the lead pastor of our church. He is a great pastor. He loves the people and he is honest and bold and protective of the sheep. I, admittedly, am way under qualified for the job as pastors wife. I love people but I am protective of my husband. People can be so audacious...

and thats all I'll say about that.

I've had Psalm 91 on my heart this morning. Reading that verse seems to wake up my spirit every time. It gives me peace and security, but also boldness to step out and to what God has called me to. It makes me wanna look at the enemy and say " hah! in your face LOSER!"

Ok... that's all I got for today.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Practice makes perfect, after all.

A day for ME!

I thought I would just write about my day today because... I can.

See... Emma is at school today and my mom has Jill and Nathaniel at her house.
This means I have a day. Just for me. Ahhhhhhhhhh...
My plan was to go to Emma's school and have lunch with her then go to some of the flea markets and nice stores we have here. The ones I don't go to ever because my children are monkey kids...God love em'.
So I did the lunch thing with Em. You know... lunch with your 1st grader is always so informative. For instance today I was told " I can't wear the nurses band-aids because I can have latex. I'm allergic to latex. And the nurses band-aids have latex so I can't wear hers. ... because i'm allergic... to latex." and " hey, hey, my birthday party is in 2 days! IN TWO DAYS!" and " Hey Mrs. Sweeney..uh..? hahaha...Weeney? hahahahahahaha!" " and look... I can stick BOTH fingers up my nose!!"

And all of that in about 45 seconds. It was worth it though. Emma was so happy.

When I left I intended to go to aforementioned flea markets and "pretty pretty stores". But for some reason my back has been really really hurting the past month or so. So I ended up turning the church van around and coming home. Note* Not only is driving the massive church van good for ones pride..turns out all the rattling actually provided a "massage" of sorts for my back. :) Who ever said I wasn't optimistic really just doesn't know me. :p
Now here I am. Propped up on my couch with my sweet tea, the house wine of the south, tapping away on this keyboard thinking someone may actually care to read about one day in the life of me. The thing is. It doesn't matter if you read it. Because I have not written in SO long. And I love it. It's not for lack of material that I haven't written..Lord knows I have an endless supply. I just really haven't had the peace and quiet and frame of mind ( all at the same time) to sit down and do so. In the past weeks when I have sat down to write it either all came out as :

" ldkfjjhgeigafiugveahr;ihfv

bkjerbfiliuqgp9tyjkhbvjdafgvbeuq8gurkgjbljkgbnlviuasewgtjb,nazdigt!!!!!! nnihfkenfklnsiihfneirgyihnfvkne87(*^*(^Hjh98y45hkhi!!!!!! "

And well I just couldn't publish that for you all to read. :)

or

I fell asleep.

So its good, for me, to get to write. Even if it's just for me and even if it is utter nonsense that has no purpose or point. I appreciate the opportunity. This has been the first time in MONTHS that I have had the chance to be really still and really quiet and let all of my thoughts complete themselves.To a mom, well to me at least, and I think to most moms out t here. This is a rare, rare occurrence. And I don't think you REALLY get it unless you have been a mom. It's one thing to have my conversations interrupted, and even my "potty time" but my thoughts? Is nothing sacred anymore?!

So, even if at the end of the day I still don't have all the answers and there are still uncertainties... at least those thoughts were allowed to come in then go out ..rather than pile up in my head and make me CRAZY.

Not that I'm denying my insanity. It's just now I have to find another excuse for it. :)

Grace is the word, is the word..

Pardon the cheesy reference to that famous movie...

Well, so many events in the past few months have led me to some personal soul searching. It seems over and over I have found myself in a place to be... offended. Now, I know that offense is wrong. I have set through some phenomenol teaching on how offense is trap meant to set us up for failure and discontentment, broken relationships and isolation. Satan will do anything to distract us from pursuing Gods call on our lives. His worse fear is that we would truly KNOW God, recognize WHO we are in HIM and finally start living like we have the hope of heaven in our hearts. Yet, knowing this, I STILL find myself entangled in this nasty snare.
What I am in the process of learning is that: People react out of their hurt and people react out of their insecurities. I am learning I MUST have grace for people and realize when its the hurt and insecurities talking.
What I am learning about myself is: I am a fixer. I want to change people. And SOOO many times I want people to come around to my way of thinking. (Oh, I am definitly NOT a debater. I'm no good at agreeing to disagree) What GOD is showing me is that there is PLENTY to fix right here in my own heart. I should apply my eagerness to my own untended garden. I realize now that my obsession w/ "fixing" others and even condemning the actions I disagreed with, was not because I wanted them to live a more abundant life, "walk in all God has for them" (though I DO want that for them) it was really about me, well... avoiding me. In trying to help others all in the name of "ministry" I was actually avoiding all the issues and hurt and insecurities in my own heart. All of my outward actions have been less about the inward change and more about control. I have recently been challenged to examine my life and my actions . I never realized how much of what I do is more about self-protection and less about living out whats happening inside of me. More about insecurities in my self, my past...instead of security in Gods word and His plan for my life, His work in my heart.
I know that I can only change me. I am only in charge of me. Any change, any growth, any depth that I expect to see, I should start first with myself. HA! Thats where God sent me cause He knows THAT will take a lifetime.
Grace comes in where I have to give people the benefit of the doubt that God is working on them, that they have insecurities just like me. If I MUST assume things of people, I must assume that they too are a work in progress.
We're all in this together. The best thing we could do is support each other on this journey. Extending grace for grace...
One thing I KNOW of myself... I am a Truth seeker. At all cost I want the truth no matter what, even when it's ugly. Well, grace and truth go hand in hand. I don't think one is greater than another. I believe that grace is unending and though I feel I grasp Gods grace in my life more than I ever have, I cannot nor will I ever be able to truly fathom its extensiveness. I believe that Truth is truth no matter what. Wether we choose to believe in it or walk in it does not change the fact that truth is truth. They work together in that Grace makes living and facing truth possible and truth makes grace so, so, so, so, much more precious.

This weekend I was listening to a guy talk about that story in the Bible, you know the one that talks about the woman with the issue of blood, she had been sick for like, 12 years or something? Anyway, he was talking about how Jesus was surrounded by all sorts of people and he was bumping into everyone and how she made her way through that mess, knowing that if she could just touch the hem of His cloak that she would be healed. As this guy was talking, I was picturing the whole scene. And I saw something there that I have never seen before. That woman touched Him on PURPOSE. It was her INTENT. While everyone there was crowding Jesus and accidentally bumping him...she reached forth, pressed her way through the madness, with expectation and touched Him. It was then that Jesus felt that power leave His body.
As all of this played in my mind I thought.. "I want to be that woman". I want my faith to be intentional. I do not want to be one of the crowd, walking and talking with all the others and merely brushing up against the saviour, only making contact because I happened to be in the right place at the right time. I want to pursue Him, reach for Him. I want my PURPOSE to be that I touch Him. In the mayhem of life, I want to push through, with intent, and grab, with full knowledge of what I am doing.
I don't want to be one of the ones who is pushed along by the crowd, being tossed this way and that, never quite sure of my destination. I've come "here" for a reason. My life has purpose. .. I have spent so much of that life merely surviving the throngs of people and circumstances...
I know that at different times in my life, I have been part of the crowd and I have been the woman with the issue ( OK..so I'm ALWAYS the woman with an issue). Sometimes as part of the crowd I have brushed up against God. But it wasn't the same as when I was actively pursuing Him. Those were the precious times. Those were the times that saw me through, that built up my faith. Those times that I sought God unreservedly, apologetically, with complete abandonment. I sought Him ON PURPOSE, and His power flowed.

Reduced to nothing

It's only in HIM that I find ANY worth. Any value . Anything of substance. The longer I live and the more I come face to face with my torn and tattered humanity, the more I realize that I have nothing to offer this world. On my own I don't have a leg to stand on. I cannot trust my own heart. My mind deceives me and tempts me down roads that I am sure lead to destruction.
But then He comes, through a song, through a book, through my husband, through His precious spirit and he touches that place in me. He reveals my sin and ever so graciously uncovers all that has been hidden. Then He RESTORES me!! He places value on my broken life. HE makes me worthy. And the worth that He puts in me cannot be taken away, by anyone.
And He loves me. The more layers of filth that He strips off, the more I see that He loves me. The more layers of "Monica" that He takes away, the more I see of Him and that HE LOVES ME.
.. as I am "reduced to nothing"... He is gently, tenderly, fully, completely, undeniably, patiently, in- no -way -like -I've -ever -been -loved- before, loving me .

The things Emma has learned in Kindergarten the past two weeks:

1. Never Trust a Jack.. any of them "There are two Jacks in my class, one is good and one is bad. Jack *** (name witheld in case I ever make friends w/ Jacks mom) knows everything" ME- "how do you know he knows everything?" "He told me"

...I have to wonder if this is not actually "bad Jack"

2. There is a future in fundraising: Emma says to Nate as she is getting in the van " Dad!! I have to tell you about what we are doing. This could be BIG dad. This could really be BIG. All YOU have to do is sell this stuff and I get all these prizes."

3. A rhyme she learned. And I wasn't sure whether to laugh or march up to the school.. " There were too many kids in the tub. And I accidently scrubbed , someones behind, that wasn't mine" ..

I'm actually wondering if she didn't write this herself based on real life experience...


4. Manners - "Another way to say you farted is to say you broke the wind". ( all credit goes to Jack.. again, I'm not sure which one... )
But I intend to find out. Tomorrow I'll have lunch w/ Emma at school. I can't wait to tell you what I learn!!!!


So that, my friends, that is your tax dollars hard at work. Thank you.