I am happy because...

Tonight I am happy because ... I now have FOUR followers on my blog!!

I feel so special! So honored that you all would choose to follow my blog. All on your own. Without any persuasion WHATSOEVER from me. I mean.. its not like I sent out an email whining to you guys about needing followers cause I had none. No...nothing of the sort.

:)

Really though. Thanks.

Going Beyond

Today, as I was at church and participating in the worship service, my heart was just impressed to declare "Holy, Holy, Holy" to the Lord. So I looked up the word holy and this is what it means:

"exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness."

Something that the holy spirit begin to press on my heart is this:

I have always been one to relate to God and tell people about God either from the perspective that He is a loving and devout father, or a passionate and faithful bridegroom. Both of these personifications are accurate and extremely powerful. But God wanted me to see that He is "worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness".

In that moment I experienced and sense of power and authority and reverence that I have never experienced before. Yes, He loves us, yes He is caring and compassionate, yes, He is faithful. But God was using this time to show me that there is no one who I could ever compare to his Power! His Majesty! I mean... Imagine Sampson and His strength...or Solomon and all His wisdom, Paul and his powerful convictions, ..... None of these men and there strength came even the tiniest fraction of fractions in comparison!! I understood the awesomeness of a God who could create the most intricate details of my innermost being with the same hand he used to wipe out entire nations. I felt so small... but not in a demeaning or shameful way. I understood that His wisdom is absolutely unending. He hold the answers to EVERYTHING... EVERYTHING!! Do you realize how INCREDIBLE that is?!? Think about it!!

I guess, you could say, I was just given fresh perspective of who I am in comparison to Him. And also who I am BECAUSE of Him. In a moment all self-doubts and insecurity was diminished drastically because I realized EVERYTHING good and profitable in me is from Him!

So, yes, he loves and protects me like a daddy loves and protects his little girl and he woos me and draws me closer like a lover. But He is God. The one and only. The perfect ONE. Worthy of praise and adoration and respect and reverence.

I believe, partly he allowed me to see this because of my doubt. In this time, this morning, I realized that there were some areas I wasn't trusting Him in. I'm convinced He wanted me to see His POWER and authority is unmatched! There is no power on earth, no sickness or disease, no person with ill-intentions for me, no circumstance... NOTHING... that is bigger or more powerful than He.

........................................I'm afraid my writing falls painfully short of communicating the experience that I had. But I guess thats fitting with the theme that nothing compares to Him and His glory and his presence. I could never retell my morning with the conviction that the Holy Spirit shared it with me.

But... the good news is.... you can experience this kind of relationship too. That's what God desires of us.

For me... Going beyond and experiencing MORE of this beautiful relationship with Christ, is going to require some physical acts of CHOOSING His presence. It means turning off the TV or putting down the book or shutting off the computer ( youch) to embark on a journey where the experiences are real and ETERNAL.

I think I'm ready.. to go beyond what is right in front of me. To push aside the urgent distractions.

I want my time to be well spent. I want to spend time learning more about this man who could have chosen to love anything in this world, and He chose to love me. I want to be able to share Him with other people more effectively.

I want to leave a legacy.

It's late...

...and I'm tired.

But I am trying to stick to my commitment.

So... I have been working with this lady who is basically "coaching" me. First on being a wife and mother but then on being a pastors wife. Anyway, she has been asking me to do various writing assignments. Recently, when I was sharing with her my desire to be a stronger wife and mother and just woman in general, she asked me to write about what it is to be a strong woman. I thought I'd share this on here. Please know, I don't think I am this woman. But I aspire to be. :)

The strong woman is humble. She is aware and grateful of her strengths and gifts, but she recognizes the Source and gives credit where it is due. The strong woman is quick to lift others up, to point out the good she sees in them. She is gracious and compassionate. The words that she speaks bring forth life and blessing, and her lips are continually parted in prayer.

To her God; She is completely abandoned. Irrevocably in love. The passion and devotion she feels for her Christ is unmatched, by any other. She acknowledges Christ as the basis of her existence and the very core of her being.
To her husband; She is as devoted as one person possibly can be to another human being. The strong woman is a source of comfort, strength and honesty to her husband. She provides for him a "safe place" in which to rest. In her companionship he finds both passion and reason. She helps him remember his dreams..
To her children; She provides unconditional love. She encourages their gifts and their dreams, helps open their eyes to all the possibilities that lie within them. She is firm, but not harsh. She is gentle but not weak. She protects, but doesn't hover. She allows them to fall..and encourages them to try again. For her children, the strong woman prays without ceasing.
To her friends; She encourages personal growth and provides accountability. She is loyal and trustworthy. A strong woman mourns with those who mourn and rejoices with those who rejoice.

The strong woman recognizes that life is all about relationship. First with Christ and then with others. Her heart is to point to Christ in every way, in an effort to bring others to relationship with Him.

stitches

Hmmm... just one day after determining to blog everyday and I miss.

In my defense... Friday afternoon proved to be rather trying. After wading through some emotional chaos from aforementioned audacious people, my conversation with Nate is interrupted my bloodcurdling screams from our seven year old. All we can seem to get from her is 'Jillian!!!" Jillian!! Blood! she's bleeding!!!" Nate clears the space from the office to the kitchen and down the stairs in what seems like 4 swift moves, while I am STUCK to the floor. Sure enough...there was LOTS of blood, SQUIRTING from Jillian's forehead. I don't know why I am able to stay so calm in these types of situations, especially since I typically do not work well under pressure. But for some reason when it comes to my kids and crazy accidents, the strongest sense of reason and control takes over. Which in this case was good, cause poor Nate was pretty worked up.

Turns out she had some how managed to fall and hit her head on something, we believe it was a table, and cut it open, requiring 3 stitches.

Oh my Jillian.

My freaking out usually comes after all the drama of the event. And this time was no exception.. though not really a freak out so much as just weary, and a little angry, tears.

I used to fall apart so easily. I remember when we first learned something was going on with Jillian. I was about 15 weeks along when we were first made aware of her kidney problem. I think back to lying in bed that night and bursting into tears. I cried that deep hiccuping sob that makes my chest hurt and my lips swell up. I cried again like this after our first visit to the maternal-fetal specialist.

Something changed in me the day she was born, though. Something clicked when I looked in her eyes that first time. She and I had an understanding. WE are in this together. I recognized the need for me to be strong for her..not because she was weak, anyone who knows Jilly knows that's not true. But because she was strong. And she needed me to believe in her. And to agree that she and I would beat the hell out of any and every obstacle that stood in her way, from nursing to staff infections.

I can't crack. At least not in the midst of the chaos.

It's a position I would, and do, willingly take for all of my kids.

So that's what I was doing Saturday. Resting up from my crazy Friday night. AND throwing a baby shower.

That's my excuse.

There's always tomorrow... another chance to get it right. ;)

Writing therapy

It's been far too long since I've posted a blog.

BUT I am determined to write SOMETHING every day. Writing is like therapy for me and Lord knows I need lots of therapy.

So... in the news today:

In case you didn't know. I'm homeschooling Emma. Yes, I'm crazy. And No, I probably will NOT do it again next year. I have my reasons. But at least I can say I gave it a shot, right?

My husband is now the lead pastor of our church. He is a great pastor. He loves the people and he is honest and bold and protective of the sheep. I, admittedly, am way under qualified for the job as pastors wife. I love people but I am protective of my husband. People can be so audacious...

and thats all I'll say about that.

I've had Psalm 91 on my heart this morning. Reading that verse seems to wake up my spirit every time. It gives me peace and security, but also boldness to step out and to what God has called me to. It makes me wanna look at the enemy and say " hah! in your face LOSER!"

Ok... that's all I got for today.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Practice makes perfect, after all.

A day for ME!

I thought I would just write about my day today because... I can.

See... Emma is at school today and my mom has Jill and Nathaniel at her house.
This means I have a day. Just for me. Ahhhhhhhhhh...
My plan was to go to Emma's school and have lunch with her then go to some of the flea markets and nice stores we have here. The ones I don't go to ever because my children are monkey kids...God love em'.
So I did the lunch thing with Em. You know... lunch with your 1st grader is always so informative. For instance today I was told " I can't wear the nurses band-aids because I can have latex. I'm allergic to latex. And the nurses band-aids have latex so I can't wear hers. ... because i'm allergic... to latex." and " hey, hey, my birthday party is in 2 days! IN TWO DAYS!" and " Hey Mrs. Sweeney..uh..? hahaha...Weeney? hahahahahahaha!" " and look... I can stick BOTH fingers up my nose!!"

And all of that in about 45 seconds. It was worth it though. Emma was so happy.

When I left I intended to go to aforementioned flea markets and "pretty pretty stores". But for some reason my back has been really really hurting the past month or so. So I ended up turning the church van around and coming home. Note* Not only is driving the massive church van good for ones pride..turns out all the rattling actually provided a "massage" of sorts for my back. :) Who ever said I wasn't optimistic really just doesn't know me. :p
Now here I am. Propped up on my couch with my sweet tea, the house wine of the south, tapping away on this keyboard thinking someone may actually care to read about one day in the life of me. The thing is. It doesn't matter if you read it. Because I have not written in SO long. And I love it. It's not for lack of material that I haven't written..Lord knows I have an endless supply. I just really haven't had the peace and quiet and frame of mind ( all at the same time) to sit down and do so. In the past weeks when I have sat down to write it either all came out as :

" ldkfjjhgeigafiugveahr;ihfv

bkjerbfiliuqgp9tyjkhbvjdafgvbeuq8gurkgjbljkgbnlviuasewgtjb,nazdigt!!!!!! nnihfkenfklnsiihfneirgyihnfvkne87(*^*(^Hjh98y45hkhi!!!!!! "

And well I just couldn't publish that for you all to read. :)

or

I fell asleep.

So its good, for me, to get to write. Even if it's just for me and even if it is utter nonsense that has no purpose or point. I appreciate the opportunity. This has been the first time in MONTHS that I have had the chance to be really still and really quiet and let all of my thoughts complete themselves.To a mom, well to me at least, and I think to most moms out t here. This is a rare, rare occurrence. And I don't think you REALLY get it unless you have been a mom. It's one thing to have my conversations interrupted, and even my "potty time" but my thoughts? Is nothing sacred anymore?!

So, even if at the end of the day I still don't have all the answers and there are still uncertainties... at least those thoughts were allowed to come in then go out ..rather than pile up in my head and make me CRAZY.

Not that I'm denying my insanity. It's just now I have to find another excuse for it. :)

Grace is the word, is the word..

Pardon the cheesy reference to that famous movie...

Well, so many events in the past few months have led me to some personal soul searching. It seems over and over I have found myself in a place to be... offended. Now, I know that offense is wrong. I have set through some phenomenol teaching on how offense is trap meant to set us up for failure and discontentment, broken relationships and isolation. Satan will do anything to distract us from pursuing Gods call on our lives. His worse fear is that we would truly KNOW God, recognize WHO we are in HIM and finally start living like we have the hope of heaven in our hearts. Yet, knowing this, I STILL find myself entangled in this nasty snare.
What I am in the process of learning is that: People react out of their hurt and people react out of their insecurities. I am learning I MUST have grace for people and realize when its the hurt and insecurities talking.
What I am learning about myself is: I am a fixer. I want to change people. And SOOO many times I want people to come around to my way of thinking. (Oh, I am definitly NOT a debater. I'm no good at agreeing to disagree) What GOD is showing me is that there is PLENTY to fix right here in my own heart. I should apply my eagerness to my own untended garden. I realize now that my obsession w/ "fixing" others and even condemning the actions I disagreed with, was not because I wanted them to live a more abundant life, "walk in all God has for them" (though I DO want that for them) it was really about me, well... avoiding me. In trying to help others all in the name of "ministry" I was actually avoiding all the issues and hurt and insecurities in my own heart. All of my outward actions have been less about the inward change and more about control. I have recently been challenged to examine my life and my actions . I never realized how much of what I do is more about self-protection and less about living out whats happening inside of me. More about insecurities in my self, my past...instead of security in Gods word and His plan for my life, His work in my heart.
I know that I can only change me. I am only in charge of me. Any change, any growth, any depth that I expect to see, I should start first with myself. HA! Thats where God sent me cause He knows THAT will take a lifetime.
Grace comes in where I have to give people the benefit of the doubt that God is working on them, that they have insecurities just like me. If I MUST assume things of people, I must assume that they too are a work in progress.
We're all in this together. The best thing we could do is support each other on this journey. Extending grace for grace...
One thing I KNOW of myself... I am a Truth seeker. At all cost I want the truth no matter what, even when it's ugly. Well, grace and truth go hand in hand. I don't think one is greater than another. I believe that grace is unending and though I feel I grasp Gods grace in my life more than I ever have, I cannot nor will I ever be able to truly fathom its extensiveness. I believe that Truth is truth no matter what. Wether we choose to believe in it or walk in it does not change the fact that truth is truth. They work together in that Grace makes living and facing truth possible and truth makes grace so, so, so, so, much more precious.