Thursday, September 11, 2008

The fair makes me feel sick...

Tonight has been... an emotional night. My mom and I took the kids to the State fair where my husband was working his company's booth. my cousin and her husband met us and Emma rode rides and the little ones stuffed their faces with "fair food".

Ok, well we all stuffed our faces with fair food... but I digress...

So Emma had a great time and was happy and cute and agreeable.

Until she disagreed.

So tonight we get home and she's all cranky and crashing down from the sugar high. She starts in on the whining and the arguing and the crying and yada, yada yaaadaaa!

And I am just tired. Frankly, just exhausted and spent and at the end of myself. I have no ideas left and even if I did, I haven't the energy to execute them. On nights like tonight is when the fear really rises. I feel so overwhelmed at trying to 'get through" to Emma. Sometimes it seems like we have been pounding the same exact rules into her head for 6 years. Our battles have revolved around the same issues for as long as there have been issues. It is something that makes me feel like a pitiful failure. The fact that we are still here, going over the same exact things that we have been over time and again. i get scared that something is wrong with me, that I am too stupid to say things in a way that she will understand, not creative enought o get the point across. Or even worse, I get scared that something is wrong with her. That she simply doesn't have the mental capacity to understand what I am saying. That things are not connecting in her head. Maybe it is simply that I am inconsistent.
I do not want to have a stereotypical relationship with my daughter. I do not want her to hate me and I do not want us to fight. I want her to love me and for us to get along. But right now, I know it is important that she respects me and that she knows I will be consistent. She has to know where I stand and where she stands with me.

Guess I'm just figuring out exactly where that is. It's just a shame that we have to learn so much together,a s I was really hoping she would learn from my mistakes. I mean, she would have alot of material to choose from, right.

I know it will be ok. I pray for grace and mercy and strength and ENDURANCE.

.. Just needed to blog it.

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