Decluttering

Do you find that the days following Christmas are somewhat anticlimactic? I mean, I usually spend the last part of November through well... Christmas Eve running around shopping for that "perfect" gift, attending silly white elephant exchanges and staff Christmas parties. Throw in to the mix that for 95% of the functions I'm attending I am also required to bring a food item of some sort. So, of course that means extra grocery shopping. And extra cooking. Not to mention I like to make baked goodies and candies to give out at random. There are a few treats that I ONLY make at Christmas time, like peanut butter balls and Peanut butter cup cookies. They taste so much better when one anticipates their deliciousness for a whole year. ;)
Now, don't get me wrong... I usually love this. I love they way most everyone is moving together towards one common goal.... well except on black Friday when that "one common" goal is the last cashmere scarf that is on sale and some chick with her arms loaded down with the about 25 of them cause she plans to sell them on ebay, nearly knocks you down with her baby stroller. Well, then all my good will towards men ( and women) is left behind in a puff of designer perfume.
But I digress...
As I was saying.. I love the unity, the oneness, the parties and the singing. But what usually happens is, as I run in the door from one party and two hours later run out the door for another, clothing and receipts and paper reindeer projects are thrown about like confetti all over my home. That is until it's my turn to host and I quickly gather all the mess and stuff it into the office and shut the door..and lock it... which is an important step if you have 3 kids who will certainly open that door at the most inopportune time, revealing your big ugly secret to all your holiday guests. Then locks are imperative.
So today and yesterday, during the lull between Christmas and New Year I have spent some time "de-cluttering". You know, files and junk drawers and closets etc. I started last night with my email in-box. I know, strange.. but.. I don't have any explanation..it's just what I do. I wanted to keep the things that were important or special. There were emails with birthday pictures attached, news of my 2nd pregnancy, the emails where we let people know the updates with Jillian's health and ALL the encouraging emails we received back, news of the death of my dear friends baby and all the supporting, prayerful, tearful emails that replied.
And here's my point: As I read these emails...there were several from my oldest and dearest friends, my loved ones, new friends, friends that I made when I moved here. There were several that as I look back have remained steady friends..either for several years or for just a few. I was surprised at the relationships that I still have with some of these women. There are a few that I would have thought unlikely to be close friends ..but have proved to be exactly what I needed/need in my life. Some... we met and were instantly tight knit... and are still close to this day.
I could see that through all the emails..the consistency of these women in my life didn't change. They were the ones I ranted too, cried too, sent silly forwards too, etc.
Some of the women I don't talk to much anymore. And I'm not surprised by this either. We are not enemies, we just are acquaintances. And that's ok.
But I will say... there are about.. well 2..that have completely blindsided me. One in particular that for reasons not really known to me, has all but cut me out of her life. She isn't mean or spiteful and if I do happen to talk to her or see her... she is polite. I am only vaguely aware of the things that have happened in her life that are related to this "cutting of ties" so to speak and I have really searched my heart over and over and I know that.. it has nothing to do with me. I suppose in a way she is doing what she feels she needs to do to "de-clutter" .
It has taken me some time..but I am at peace with this. I will say I was a little surprised and hurt.. for more than just a little while. I had thought we were closer. She, apparently, had not. I have had to deal with the fact that she found it so easy to walk away. I took it personal and even blamed myself. But through all this de-cluttering I have realized, once again, it has nothing to do with me.
I am working on being able to let go of the burden of feeling "responsible" for EVERYONE'S behavior. I simply.. am not.
People come and people go. God has a way of helping us declutter the relationships in our lives. Sometimes I don't want that. I want to go on about my merry way, with everyone moving happily in the same direction, working towards a common goal. Trouble is... people change directions. And when I try to hang on to them as they run their way and I continue mine, I am pulled and become aggravated and frustrated and the relationship quickly becomes toxic. I was never aware that this is what has been happening... but it explains SO much.
As hard as it is for me to say good bye to these ladies that at one time meant a great deal to me... cause pretty much EVERYONE in my life means a great deal to me :/, It is what I need to do. I need to de clutter my mind, my heart, my time from the people and relationships that I can no longer influence in a positive way and who suck the life out of me.
I hold no hostility or animosity. I wish no ill will on anyone. Quite the opposite... I pray for peace and blessings and favor for them. They are NOT my enemies... I only have one and that is Satan.
They are still my sisters in Christ and at ONE TIME we were good friends. So I am letting go of all feelings of guilt and condemnation and responsibility for their choices and praying God's best for their lives, as I hold tightly to the relationships in my life that have been the constant, consistent, flexible, patient, understanding of my bouts- of- insanity, pour into my life, open their hearts to me, hold me accountable women. I am re- organizing my thinking, my priorities, my relationships.
There is a place for everything and everything is in it's place. There are the fair-weather friends that will always occupy a place in my heart, but not necessarily my day to day life ... and then there are my stormy -weather, all for one, one for all, push comes to shove, ain't walking out, regardless of geographical location friends. And they... well they each hold a piece of my heart in their hands.

Christmas 2010

Christmas 2010 turned out to be a pretty peaceful one. I have to say I had my doubts. I just had the hardest time finding "the Christmas spirit" this year. It's been an emotionally grueling year and the month of December wasn't any different. I'm still not sure if it's circumstances or spiritual (probably both) but I sure experienced the blues this year.
Thankfully, my kids have turned Christmas into something more special than I ever could have imagined. I do believe the anticipation of waiting for the kids to get up on Christmas morning is even greater than that which I experienced as a child. When I was a little girl, my brothers and I used to all camp out in their room. We would listen to Christmas carols, sneak out to check for Santa and tickle each others feet. The sleepover is a tradition we chose to continue with our kiddos. And while it's a little tricky now, trying to get everyone to sleep and all.. I do believe it will be a special time for them for years to come.
I loved the looks on their faces this morning as they came into the living room and saw their presents sitting in front of the fireplace. The glow from the Christmas lights gave the room such a warm, magical feeling. Nate, my parents and I looked on as they took turns opening their stockings and squealing with delight at the goodies inside; bubble gum, barbie dolls and even a personal roll of tape for each child (My kids have a strange fetish with scotch tape this year).
As I watched them, laughing and grinning and loving each other. My heart was at peace. And that was my only Christmas wish this year.
They really are amazing kids. And I get to be their mom. And if I never do anything else ... I am their mom. And that is enough.


The spirit of Christmas is love... Christ's love. A mother's love. A family's love.
Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Nathaniel

It's 2006 and life in the Sweeney household is pretty great. We have our two girls, Emma is 4 and Jillian is 9 months. We have plans to move to Arkansas in January of 2007 and so far things are right on track.

.. fast forward just a couple of weeks. I am ONE day late and my mind flashes back to the day the girls took a long nap.... hmmmm....
This particular evening I am planning to go out with some girlfriends for one of the girls birthdays. But I stop off first at the DOLLAR STORE and buy... a pregnancy test.
I get to the restaurant go in the bathroom and do my thing. You may find it interesting to know that this is neither the first time I bought a dollar store pregnancy test NOR the first time I took it in a public bathroom.

From my experience.... dollar store pregnancy tests taken in public bathrooms are ALWAYS positive.

And so it was that I was pregnant, unexpectedly, with our 3rd child. I took home a to go box from the restaurant that night, stuck the positive test in it and handed it to Nate. WHAT was his response to this little surprise???

" Really... oh wow. .... where's the rolls?"

yep. that's what he said.

Eventually, we both got used to the idea. Sure, this was pretty quick and not what we were thinking, but we had talked a little about having a third, trying for that boy.. so... here we go!

The thing that really confirmed for me that I was having a boy was not an ultrasound or anything like that. It was my appetite. It was INSATIABLE. I wanted to eat all the time. I craved everything, I dreamed about food. I was NEVER full.
So, when Nathaniel was born on May 18, 2007 at 2 in the morning, 3 weeks early and weighing 7lbs 15oz ... it was no surprise that he was a very eager nurser. I can say that I never had one problem convincing that boy to eat. I didn't have to rub cold, wet clothes on him to wake him up enough. He was ALWAYS ready and willing. Although, he did prefer only the mom, of course. No bottles for this big guy.
I can't even begin to describe the difference in parenting a boy as opposed to a girl. This little man stole my heart. He was happy and content and friendly. And he had and still has the most beautiful, full kissable lips!!
Nathaniel Joseph, our little surprise baby, has brought so much joy to our family. He is such a little cut-up and ham.





He plays rough like a boy and is a little bit mischievous. He loves to wrestle with his dad and ANTAGONIZE his big sisters, especially Emma. He is still as sweet and lovable as he was as an infant. And he loves his mommy. :) He loves for me to sing to him " You Are My Sunshine and You Are My Bubby Boy" and then he sings to me " You are my Mommy Girl".
He still likes to eat. A lot. He loves sweets and he loves to get dirty. He is usually... naked...or at least nearly so. I don't know WHY but the boy just doesn't like clothing!
He continues to make friends with everyone he meets, which makes me think he would be a fabulous pastor.. or politician. Right now he is content to use this skills to get candy from the ladies at church or to sweet talk Mama Bear into an extra "turn" at her house.

He was unexpected and unplanned. We had not prepared for another baby so soon. But when I look at Nathaniel, I remember that sometimes God places unexpected things in our lives. Even though we feel unprepared or inadequate, many times God uses those situations to provide the biggest blessings.
Nathaniel- gift from God.
Joseph- God will increase.
Nathaniel, is a special surprise gift from God. The Lord knew how much we needed him and his sweet, caring, trusting personality in our family. And He has increased our joy and love beyond what we ever thought.
I love my little man and it is and always has been my prayer that he will be tender towards God at an early age, sensitive to His voice and a man after God's heart. As a baby I sang to him every night, as he nursed, "when the spirit of the Lord moves upon my heart, I will dance like David danced. I will dance, I will dance, I will dance like David danced". I pray that this will be true for him his whole life, that he will allow Gods spirit to move on him and pursue Jesus with unbridled passion.
I love you, honny man.

Jillian

Jillian Faith is our second daughter and the middle child. When Nate and I first began talking about when we would like to start trying for another baby ( that day according to Nate ;) ) little did we know, she was already conceived.
By this time I had been a mom for nearly 3 years. So reality had set in and I knew what to expect... or so I thought.
Jillian proved from the very beginning that she was anything but typical. I've blogged about her health issues before so I won't go into all that now ( you are welcome to go back and read it) except to say that she is one tough little chicky.
With her diagnosis of Turner Syndrome, her birth was certainly rocky...but looking back we realize that things went a lot smoother than they could have. Weighing in at 5lbs 8oz ( one oz heavier than her sister), Jillian didn't have to spend a single minute in the NICU, which was really surprising since they had told us even that as they were beginning induction that she definitely would spend some time there.
We stayed a little longer than usual in the hospital, but Jilly Bean did amazing. She nursed so well and was such a trooper as dozens of tests were run on her. She had to most peaceful demeanor and quickly became a favorite among the nurses.

The day we came home was freezing!!! So we bundled Jillian up and placed her in the co sleeper next to our bed while we ate. When we went in to check on her she had wiggled herself to the middle of our queen size bed! We are still amazed at how strong she is!

I think the most amazing thing about Jillian is her smile.
This is the look she has on her face about 80% of the time ( the other 20% is the exact OPPOSITE of this! haha!). And she has been this way since day one. I remember the week after we came home my girl friend brought dinner over for us. She was holding Jillian and talking to her when Jillian gave her a sweet closed-lip little grin. "Oh my gosh!!! Did you see that?!?! She just SMILED at me!!" And Jilly continued to smile like this from that day forward.
One definition of her name, Jillian is "regenerate". Which means; "to cause a spiritual or moral reform in, to bring about a change, esp a good one, to be born-again spiritually, to restore a body part by the growth of new tissue". As if that wasn't great enough... another definition is "youthful". And Jillian lives up to this for sure. She makes people feel special and happy and just good. She is funny and light-hearted and easy going.
Her middle name is Faith. The substance of things hoped for. The evidence of things unseen...

While she loves her sister and looks up to her, she is perfectly content to do her own thing. And so when something comes up that she doesn't want to do.... she doesn't. She seems to feel no pressure to follow the crowd and is perfectly content to do her own thing. Most Sundays, before church, you will find her running around the sanctuary with that silly smile and singing her heart out. Sometimes she has a friend. Other times she does not. But neither way seems to bother her too much.
Her physical issues have definitely taken their toll on all of us. And we never anticipated parenting a child like her. I can't imagine how empty my life would be without her...just as she is. Nearly everyone who meets her remarks at her joyful, peaceful countenance. To know her is to love her. It's that simple. Only a few know what a miracle she is. And we take any opportunity we can to brag on our God. and our girl.


She is our sunshine.

Emma

I know it seems like I have writers block, especially since I made a commitment to blog something everyday. And yet I haven't written much at all.
Mostly it's because I have a bunch of stuff going on in my head and I don't won't to post a "heavy" blog.
That is why my next three posts will be about my children. They make me happy. When I think about them I smile... and I hope that when you read about how I see them, that you will smile too.


Emma Grace just turned 8 last week. When I think back to the week she was born, I remember the cool autumn air and sitting on my parents back porch drinking sweet tea. Nate and I were so young and naive. We had this parenting thing all figured out and we were going to rock it. We both loved kids, came from large families and had babysat hundreds of times. We were pros.

Our first taste of parenting and our first glimpse into Emma's personality and my actual parenting style ( as opposed to the one that would magically come upon me when I gave birth...right) came about a month or so before she was born. Let's just say I didn't take the greatest care of myself and Emma did NOT find this to her satisfaction. I began experiencing high blood pressure and some major swelling. Eventually, it was this high blood pressure that landed me in the hospital 3 1/2 weeks before my due date, getting prepped for induction. I went in on a Sunday afternoon and pitocin was started at 1 AM Monday Oct 21st. After 12 painful , and rather trippy hours of epidural-less labor, Emma finally made her appearance, red-faced and screaming and telling the world of her injustice. And oh... so, so beautiful. To this day, I have never seen a more beautiful newborn baby... and I have two more kids.

Life changed forever that day for Nate and I. Every idea about parenting we had came crashing down for what would be the first..but not the last, time. Things were rough, to say the least, those first few months as I battled postpartum depression on top of sleep-deprivation and Emma refused to nurse.

Eventually... Emma and I... we found our way. It hasn't been easy as we are so much alike yet so very different. Emma is still the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. She has smooth, pink skin and sparkly blue eyes and a smile that will melt hearts.

Not only is she beautiful... she's smart. And I meant it... she really is smart. I'm not being all crazy like she's a prodigy or anything. I mean that she's a deep thinker. This year I have had the privledge (and the headache) of homeschooling her. While I really don't think we will do it again, I have so enjoyed getting to get a peek inside her head. Emma thinks of questions that I would never think to ask. She has a beautifully compassionate heart. I love to hear her thoughts on how we can, through Christ, make a difference in this world. I am amazed at her tenderness towards "the least of these", be they animals or little children or maybe the mentally handicapped. She shows a great wisdom in her actions, thoughts and words towards them.
She has taught me so much.
And she's funny! She loves to make people laugh, especially her dad. I can tell that for her to get an honest belly laugh from her dad is like winning the gold! And when we get an honest belly laugh from her....it is the sweetest, most adorable sound!

Emma Grace... has lived up to her name. Emma- Healer and Grace- God's unmerited favor and empowerment. Through loving her, God has healed places in me that I didn't even know were broken. In teaching her and raising her and struggling with her, my eyes have been opened to so much more of my shortcomings...yet even more of God's grace.
She is my Emma Girl.

wrimple cream

Tonight at Walmart.. I placed into my cart... age-defying facial cleanser AND and eye cream that is useful for both bags and crows feet.

When it comes to skin care systems I have a little dilemma. While it has become very evident that plumpers and fillers are needed (apparently 10 years ago :( ) ... I still need something to help prevent acne too! I have spent collective hours standing on tippy toes and squatting ( which is not as easy as it used to be) to find the magical cream that treats both acne and fine lines. From what I can tell... it doesn't exist. There is no "middle age" cream. Wrimple (pimple/wrinkle) cream.

and another thing.... I don't REMEMBER getting old. One night I went to bed a young, skinny, firm, woman. And I swear it was just the next day when I woke up......... tired!!!

...and.... squishy. :/

But know this...

I'm not stressing. I'm not afraid of aging.... I just didn't realize I was already doing it. Now that I have been made aware I am ready to embrace it! I've been on google researching Bingo strategies and finding out which restaurants honor the AARP.

...this is gonna be good. ;)

I am happy because...

Tonight I am happy because ... I now have FOUR followers on my blog!!

I feel so special! So honored that you all would choose to follow my blog. All on your own. Without any persuasion WHATSOEVER from me. I mean.. its not like I sent out an email whining to you guys about needing followers cause I had none. No...nothing of the sort.

:)

Really though. Thanks.

Going Beyond

Today, as I was at church and participating in the worship service, my heart was just impressed to declare "Holy, Holy, Holy" to the Lord. So I looked up the word holy and this is what it means:

"exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness."

Something that the holy spirit begin to press on my heart is this:

I have always been one to relate to God and tell people about God either from the perspective that He is a loving and devout father, or a passionate and faithful bridegroom. Both of these personifications are accurate and extremely powerful. But God wanted me to see that He is "worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness".

In that moment I experienced and sense of power and authority and reverence that I have never experienced before. Yes, He loves us, yes He is caring and compassionate, yes, He is faithful. But God was using this time to show me that there is no one who I could ever compare to his Power! His Majesty! I mean... Imagine Sampson and His strength...or Solomon and all His wisdom, Paul and his powerful convictions, ..... None of these men and there strength came even the tiniest fraction of fractions in comparison!! I understood the awesomeness of a God who could create the most intricate details of my innermost being with the same hand he used to wipe out entire nations. I felt so small... but not in a demeaning or shameful way. I understood that His wisdom is absolutely unending. He hold the answers to EVERYTHING... EVERYTHING!! Do you realize how INCREDIBLE that is?!? Think about it!!

I guess, you could say, I was just given fresh perspective of who I am in comparison to Him. And also who I am BECAUSE of Him. In a moment all self-doubts and insecurity was diminished drastically because I realized EVERYTHING good and profitable in me is from Him!

So, yes, he loves and protects me like a daddy loves and protects his little girl and he woos me and draws me closer like a lover. But He is God. The one and only. The perfect ONE. Worthy of praise and adoration and respect and reverence.

I believe, partly he allowed me to see this because of my doubt. In this time, this morning, I realized that there were some areas I wasn't trusting Him in. I'm convinced He wanted me to see His POWER and authority is unmatched! There is no power on earth, no sickness or disease, no person with ill-intentions for me, no circumstance... NOTHING... that is bigger or more powerful than He.

........................................I'm afraid my writing falls painfully short of communicating the experience that I had. But I guess thats fitting with the theme that nothing compares to Him and His glory and his presence. I could never retell my morning with the conviction that the Holy Spirit shared it with me.

But... the good news is.... you can experience this kind of relationship too. That's what God desires of us.

For me... Going beyond and experiencing MORE of this beautiful relationship with Christ, is going to require some physical acts of CHOOSING His presence. It means turning off the TV or putting down the book or shutting off the computer ( youch) to embark on a journey where the experiences are real and ETERNAL.

I think I'm ready.. to go beyond what is right in front of me. To push aside the urgent distractions.

I want my time to be well spent. I want to spend time learning more about this man who could have chosen to love anything in this world, and He chose to love me. I want to be able to share Him with other people more effectively.

I want to leave a legacy.

It's late...

...and I'm tired.

But I am trying to stick to my commitment.

So... I have been working with this lady who is basically "coaching" me. First on being a wife and mother but then on being a pastors wife. Anyway, she has been asking me to do various writing assignments. Recently, when I was sharing with her my desire to be a stronger wife and mother and just woman in general, she asked me to write about what it is to be a strong woman. I thought I'd share this on here. Please know, I don't think I am this woman. But I aspire to be. :)

The strong woman is humble. She is aware and grateful of her strengths and gifts, but she recognizes the Source and gives credit where it is due. The strong woman is quick to lift others up, to point out the good she sees in them. She is gracious and compassionate. The words that she speaks bring forth life and blessing, and her lips are continually parted in prayer.

To her God; She is completely abandoned. Irrevocably in love. The passion and devotion she feels for her Christ is unmatched, by any other. She acknowledges Christ as the basis of her existence and the very core of her being.
To her husband; She is as devoted as one person possibly can be to another human being. The strong woman is a source of comfort, strength and honesty to her husband. She provides for him a "safe place" in which to rest. In her companionship he finds both passion and reason. She helps him remember his dreams..
To her children; She provides unconditional love. She encourages their gifts and their dreams, helps open their eyes to all the possibilities that lie within them. She is firm, but not harsh. She is gentle but not weak. She protects, but doesn't hover. She allows them to fall..and encourages them to try again. For her children, the strong woman prays without ceasing.
To her friends; She encourages personal growth and provides accountability. She is loyal and trustworthy. A strong woman mourns with those who mourn and rejoices with those who rejoice.

The strong woman recognizes that life is all about relationship. First with Christ and then with others. Her heart is to point to Christ in every way, in an effort to bring others to relationship with Him.

stitches

Hmmm... just one day after determining to blog everyday and I miss.

In my defense... Friday afternoon proved to be rather trying. After wading through some emotional chaos from aforementioned audacious people, my conversation with Nate is interrupted my bloodcurdling screams from our seven year old. All we can seem to get from her is 'Jillian!!!" Jillian!! Blood! she's bleeding!!!" Nate clears the space from the office to the kitchen and down the stairs in what seems like 4 swift moves, while I am STUCK to the floor. Sure enough...there was LOTS of blood, SQUIRTING from Jillian's forehead. I don't know why I am able to stay so calm in these types of situations, especially since I typically do not work well under pressure. But for some reason when it comes to my kids and crazy accidents, the strongest sense of reason and control takes over. Which in this case was good, cause poor Nate was pretty worked up.

Turns out she had some how managed to fall and hit her head on something, we believe it was a table, and cut it open, requiring 3 stitches.

Oh my Jillian.

My freaking out usually comes after all the drama of the event. And this time was no exception.. though not really a freak out so much as just weary, and a little angry, tears.

I used to fall apart so easily. I remember when we first learned something was going on with Jillian. I was about 15 weeks along when we were first made aware of her kidney problem. I think back to lying in bed that night and bursting into tears. I cried that deep hiccuping sob that makes my chest hurt and my lips swell up. I cried again like this after our first visit to the maternal-fetal specialist.

Something changed in me the day she was born, though. Something clicked when I looked in her eyes that first time. She and I had an understanding. WE are in this together. I recognized the need for me to be strong for her..not because she was weak, anyone who knows Jilly knows that's not true. But because she was strong. And she needed me to believe in her. And to agree that she and I would beat the hell out of any and every obstacle that stood in her way, from nursing to staff infections.

I can't crack. At least not in the midst of the chaos.

It's a position I would, and do, willingly take for all of my kids.

So that's what I was doing Saturday. Resting up from my crazy Friday night. AND throwing a baby shower.

That's my excuse.

There's always tomorrow... another chance to get it right. ;)

Writing therapy

It's been far too long since I've posted a blog.

BUT I am determined to write SOMETHING every day. Writing is like therapy for me and Lord knows I need lots of therapy.

So... in the news today:

In case you didn't know. I'm homeschooling Emma. Yes, I'm crazy. And No, I probably will NOT do it again next year. I have my reasons. But at least I can say I gave it a shot, right?

My husband is now the lead pastor of our church. He is a great pastor. He loves the people and he is honest and bold and protective of the sheep. I, admittedly, am way under qualified for the job as pastors wife. I love people but I am protective of my husband. People can be so audacious...

and thats all I'll say about that.

I've had Psalm 91 on my heart this morning. Reading that verse seems to wake up my spirit every time. It gives me peace and security, but also boldness to step out and to what God has called me to. It makes me wanna look at the enemy and say " hah! in your face LOSER!"

Ok... that's all I got for today.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Practice makes perfect, after all.

A day for ME!

I thought I would just write about my day today because... I can.

See... Emma is at school today and my mom has Jill and Nathaniel at her house.
This means I have a day. Just for me. Ahhhhhhhhhh...
My plan was to go to Emma's school and have lunch with her then go to some of the flea markets and nice stores we have here. The ones I don't go to ever because my children are monkey kids...God love em'.
So I did the lunch thing with Em. You know... lunch with your 1st grader is always so informative. For instance today I was told " I can't wear the nurses band-aids because I can have latex. I'm allergic to latex. And the nurses band-aids have latex so I can't wear hers. ... because i'm allergic... to latex." and " hey, hey, my birthday party is in 2 days! IN TWO DAYS!" and " Hey Mrs. Sweeney..uh..? hahaha...Weeney? hahahahahahaha!" " and look... I can stick BOTH fingers up my nose!!"

And all of that in about 45 seconds. It was worth it though. Emma was so happy.

When I left I intended to go to aforementioned flea markets and "pretty pretty stores". But for some reason my back has been really really hurting the past month or so. So I ended up turning the church van around and coming home. Note* Not only is driving the massive church van good for ones pride..turns out all the rattling actually provided a "massage" of sorts for my back. :) Who ever said I wasn't optimistic really just doesn't know me. :p
Now here I am. Propped up on my couch with my sweet tea, the house wine of the south, tapping away on this keyboard thinking someone may actually care to read about one day in the life of me. The thing is. It doesn't matter if you read it. Because I have not written in SO long. And I love it. It's not for lack of material that I haven't written..Lord knows I have an endless supply. I just really haven't had the peace and quiet and frame of mind ( all at the same time) to sit down and do so. In the past weeks when I have sat down to write it either all came out as :

" ldkfjjhgeigafiugveahr;ihfv

bkjerbfiliuqgp9tyjkhbvjdafgvbeuq8gurkgjbljkgbnlviuasewgtjb,nazdigt!!!!!! nnihfkenfklnsiihfneirgyihnfvkne87(*^*(^Hjh98y45hkhi!!!!!! "

And well I just couldn't publish that for you all to read. :)

or

I fell asleep.

So its good, for me, to get to write. Even if it's just for me and even if it is utter nonsense that has no purpose or point. I appreciate the opportunity. This has been the first time in MONTHS that I have had the chance to be really still and really quiet and let all of my thoughts complete themselves.To a mom, well to me at least, and I think to most moms out t here. This is a rare, rare occurrence. And I don't think you REALLY get it unless you have been a mom. It's one thing to have my conversations interrupted, and even my "potty time" but my thoughts? Is nothing sacred anymore?!

So, even if at the end of the day I still don't have all the answers and there are still uncertainties... at least those thoughts were allowed to come in then go out ..rather than pile up in my head and make me CRAZY.

Not that I'm denying my insanity. It's just now I have to find another excuse for it. :)