Sunday, September 26, 2010


Hmmm... just one day after determining to blog everyday and I miss.

In my defense... Friday afternoon proved to be rather trying. After wading through some emotional chaos from aforementioned audacious people, my conversation with Nate is interrupted my bloodcurdling screams from our seven year old. All we can seem to get from her is 'Jillian!!!" Jillian!! Blood! she's bleeding!!!" Nate clears the space from the office to the kitchen and down the stairs in what seems like 4 swift moves, while I am STUCK to the floor. Sure enough...there was LOTS of blood, SQUIRTING from Jillian's forehead. I don't know why I am able to stay so calm in these types of situations, especially since I typically do not work well under pressure. But for some reason when it comes to my kids and crazy accidents, the strongest sense of reason and control takes over. Which in this case was good, cause poor Nate was pretty worked up.
Turns out she had some how managed to fall and hit her head on something, we believe it was a table, and cut it open, requiring 3 stitches.

Oh my Jillian.

My freaking out usually comes after all the drama of the event. And this time was no exception.. though not really a freak out so much as just weary, and a little angry, tears.
I used to fall apart so easily. I remember when we first learned something was going on with Jillian. I was about 15 weeks along when we were first made aware of her kidney problem. I think back to lying in bed that night and bursting into tears. I cried that deep hiccuping sob that makes my chest hurt and my lips swell up. I cried again like this after our first visit to the maternal-fetal specialist.
Something changed in me the day she was born, though. Something clicked when I looked in her eyes that first time. She and I had an understanding. WE are in this together. I recognized the need for me to be strong for her..not because she was weak, anyone who knows Jilly knows that's not true. But because she was strong. And she needed me to believe in her. And to agree that she and I would beat the hell out of any and every obstacle that stood in her way, from nursing to staff infections.

I can't crack. At least not in the midst of the chaos.

It's a position I would, and do, willingly take for all of my kids.

So that's what I was doing Saturday. Resting up from my crazy Friday night. AND throwing a baby shower.

That's my excuse.

There's always tomorrow... another chance to get it right. ;)


Mands said...

I have been in a teary mood lately when it comes to kids and people talking about their kids and things they are going through- this was no exception. TEAR.
But I must share this with you...when I read it I balled my eyes out. This woman is not a Christian though I do hope one day she is. (I am saying that because I do not remember if she throws out an expletive or not :/) Though she grew up in a home that was. When I read this blog entry from her I cried. No- I WEPT. Reading about how you 'grieved' over Jilly...I imagine that's what it felt like. Fear and loss over what you thought was going to be a 'perfect' baby. When all along she is exactly that. Perfectly what God wanted you to have. Perfectly what you needed. I love you :)
Keep writing!!!

Mands said...


warning...she plays music on her blog...turn down your volume if it's up way too loud...ha..ask me how I know this...

Monica said...

oh wow... that was amazing.
I related SO MUCH to what she said!! Most of my tears and agony were during pregnancy..but at her birth, knowing SOMETHING was wrong but not what... I totally felt those same things she did.
Thanks for sharing this with me. What a gifted writer she is!