The video series we are studying is "In Search of Timothy" and it's all about serving in the church. As I watch and listen to some of the stories and examples the speaker shared, I wondered how many of the pastors he mentions are young pastors with young kids. Cause I just have to say... this is hard. I mean I always knew that we would pastor because we've talked about it since before we were married 10 years ago. But I never could have imagined what it would be like. I love it. But It's much tougher than I thought. I suppose it's like having kids though... I always knew that I was supposed to be a mom. But I never realized how hard and demanding it would be until my first child was born.
Now, pastoring a church, is much like having a second set of children. Granted , most of them are older than me, but I still feel a deep love for them, a sense of responsibility and a desire to see them walk out the calling God has for them.
Along with the emotional ties that go along with this job as pastors wife, there are the practical expectations. And here is where I am struggling to find balance. There are places to be and people to talk to. As the pastors wife I feel I should be out in the foyer after service greeting new people and in the sanctuary making people feel welcome. I should be leading bible studies. And I WANT to do these things. It would be ideal. But the reality is I have three small children who need to be picked up after service. Three small kids to corral as my husband greets and shakes hands. Three small children whose normal bedtime is 7, so that means they arrived at church a little on the sleepy side, so by now it's 8:30 and it's taking all my self-control and theirs to keep from screaming... which is why they end up running around like crazy people while all I can do is stand there, arms loaded down with aforementioned coats, papers and dollies, looking NOTHING like a friendly, loving pastors wife and more like a twitchy-eyed, frizzy haired, mascara-smudged bag lady whose shirt is riding up and showing off her muffin top.
So it's 8:45 now and we are turning off the lights and setting the alarm and the kiddies are running into the dark, poorly- lit parking lot without their coats on. We climb into the van and crank up the heat. The kids talk ALL THE WAY home about their class and their friends and their snack and who ate their boogies that night. It has been another long day.
So, I had just tucked in Jillian and sang to her and prayed and laughed and kissed her goodnight. I go into Nathaniel's room where Nate has already started the bedtime routine. " Tell mommy what you heard when you listen to my heart, Bub" Nate says. So Nathaniel puts his little head to Nate's chest and says " Bubby, Bubby". AWWWWW! My heart melted and I asked him what my heart said. As he listened he said " Emma, Jill". " That's right!" I tell him, " and Bubby too!".
My little boy understands that his daddy and mommy have hearts that beat for him. That he is loved that much.
It is my prayer that as I attempt to find balance in this new role, that I will remember to lay my head on the Fathers heart and hear His heartbeat. I know that as I do this I will hear the names of all of His children including my own, my kids and the names of the people in our church. I believe that if I will just allow my self to rest there in his bosom, listening to that beat, it will be the rhythm to which I move and dance my way through this season of my life and every season from here on out. The things that move God's heart will be the things that move mine. I will hear His heart race with joy as I pour into, first my husband and children, and then others.
From the beginning of time God's heartbeat has pounded out the names of His babies. If I purpose to know Him, love Him and rest in Him, perhaps my heartbeat will begin to echo His.